For Mama

Mama,

I know I could only count in my fingers the times that we got along very well. At least when I was already growing up and already making my own decisions. We couldn’t agree on what clothes I should wear, which friends I should hang out with, what food to eat, which places to go, the way I should speak, even the course I should take up in college. There’s just a lot of things we couldn’t agree on and I just don’t know why. I was very jealous of my other friends who’s like barkada with their moms. I thought you didn’t want that kind of relationship. I thought you like me to be the follower and you be the dictator or some kind of like that. That’s what I think our relationship was. But maybe it wasn’t really like that at all.

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When your friends praised me back then for being a consistent honor student, you shrug it off and say “ah basig karon ra pud nah taman.” (It wont last long.) I was hurt. I thought you weren’t proud of me so I worked harder as a student but you were hard to please. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe you were actually proud of me and just didn’t want to brag about it to avoid being labeled as boastful. I really don’t know. There’s so much that I don’t understand about you (because I didn’t ask) and there’s so much you don’t understand me (because I never told you). I’m sure there were times that you tried reaching out to me so we could understand each other but I withdrew myself and shut you out. There’s too  many walls between us. Just when I was already ready to tell you and understand you, you have already created your own barrier. You were back to being stiff, or so I thought.

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Despite all the disagreements we had and the fights we’ve put on, I’m still thankful because we’ve always had each other when we needed it the most. You were there when I was brokenhearted. You were there when I was disappointed with myself for failing an exam or for not getting the job I’ve applied for. You were there when I had no one else left to talk to. Maybe you were difficult. I was difficult too, for sure. Maybe I didn’t understand your ways of raising me but I know you did it all because you love me. You didn’t let me go on a field trip because you were too scared that the bus would get into an accident. You didn’t let me take MASSCOM because maybe you know that course would do me no good judging by the character that I have. You didn’t buy me new school supplies all the time because you want to teach me how to take care of my things and you want to teach me the value of money. You did not grant many of my requests, at least not right away but it is when I was already worthy and deserving of it. I hope you do realize that I learned so many things because of your do’s and don’t’s.

 

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Ma, in spite of it all, I hope you are proud of yourself because you’ve done an amazing job at raising me and my brother. Thank you for everything you’ve endured just to give us the best. Thank you for being strong when we were scared and unsure of things. Thank you for being madiskarte in life, you’ve passed it on to me. Most of all, thank you for bringing us into this world. For sacrificing 9 months when we were in your womb. For risking your life in the operating room via CS section. For staying up at night because we wanted milk and you still looked down upon us with smiling face even you were too sleepy then. And for looking after us even until now that I have kids of my own already. Even if we don’t say it that often, I know we love each other, aminin! 😉 Ma, if not for you, I would never become the strong, independent, opinionated, loving, and affectionate woman that I am today. Thank you, I love you and I’ll see you very soon! HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

 

Love,

JP

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